Your Relationship Isn’t What You Think It Is
What is dating you really like for them?
Do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship with you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you have any idea what dating you is like for the other person? None of us can read minds, of course, but do you know — in your heart of hearts — what dating you is like for the other person?
On 14th February 2020, my then-boyfriend ruined yet another meal. It was Valentine’s Day and since I was employed and he was not, I had offered to pay the bill — a treat on me. Half-way through one of the loveliest meals I’ve ever had in my life, out-of-nowhere he started berating me for sending him an article he disagreed with earlier in the week.
For ten minutes, I endured this mean-spirited tirade even though I couldn’t remember which article it was. He failed to produce it on his phone when I requested it and even he couldn’t remember exactly what it said. All he knew was, he had objected to me sending it to him.
It was then I knew our six month relationship was over. I realised in that moment that I would never be able to safely have a meal with this person again. I would always be a moment away from yet another one of his bad faith, unhinged rants about something I failed to do or something I had failed to be. I had paid around £250 to be humiliated in public on Valentine’s Day.
Never again.
Three days later I broke up with him. I had wanted to break free from him for months but each time he manipulated me back into the relationship. Instead of seperating from him, I usually ended up placating him and apologising for the wrongs I had supposedly done to him. In retrospect, the reason I had delayed breaking up with him for good was because deep down I knew how awful it would be.
And it was.
In my ex-boyfriend’s final diatribe he told me that I was so unrealistic and undesirable that I would inevitably have to use a sperm donor to become pregnant as no man would want to willingly marry and start a family with me. Charming! Oh, and that I would never find another man like him and regret the day I finished with him. Of course…
By the grace of God, I only hope that it is indeed true that I will never find anyone else like him. That relationship was a living, waking hell that I was clearly enmeshed in. I know he was trying to hurt me with the cheap parting shots but I have since wondered if he genuinely believed that I would regret the decision to break up with him.
Did he really believe I would be pining for him years later?
It certainly sounded like it at the time. If that’s the case then he truly had no idea how that relationship was for me. Dating him was a nightmare, an ordeal I had to survive. I left that relationship feeling like I had fought a war. I’ve never hated a romantic relationship I’ve been in more than that one. He seemed so normal at first — and I was lonely — but he soon revealed himself to be manipulative and cruel.
All my attempts to part with him had been thwarted. I don’t know how he did it but he always managed to make me out to be the bad guy. Anyway. None of that mattered anymore. He was gone.
A feeling of relief washed over me as I hung up the phone on him for the last time. He’d blocked me off social media already. I never had to have him in my life again. Phew!
And yet, I often wonder if he, or any of my former boyfriends, have an accurate idea of what our relationship was like for me? One former boyfriend described me as ‘considerate’. I do feel like I treat men with a lot of consideration (certainly more than I have ever been treated in return…). I put a lot of time into thinking about what the experience of dating me is for the other person.
Up until recently, I thought that this was something everyone did. I no longer believe this. But even when it is true, do any of us truly know what our romantic relationships are like for the other person? Admit it. You probably have no idea.
I like to think that I’m a catch. A term that generally refers to someone who is both relatively good looking and possesses good credentials or anything else that would objectively make them a good partner to someone else — anyone else. But even when I’ve dated men who were equally good ‘on paper’, the actual experience of dating them varied wildly. Accurately evaluating one’s own relationship seems to be a rare skill. We can’t always rely on our partners or even ourselves to be perfect communicators.
What if you think your partner is lucky to have you but they find you barely tolerable and have been looking for a way to dump you for ages? Are you sure your partner is as happy with you as you are with them? Has it ever crossed your mind that you are both on a completely different page?
I bet you haven’t even thought about it — until just now.
Thank you for reading — I hope you found my thoughts interesting. You can find links to my other work here: https://linktr.ee/sayde.scarlett
