The Spiritual Stain

The road to recovery after abusive relationships

It would be easier to say he’d put a gun to my head. Then other people would at least know what I was talking about. He made it seem like acting out his will was my only rational option. Afterwards I would be left with guilt and discomfort at having behaved in a way contrary to my own judgement and character.

In the ten year period between 2010 and 2020, I experienced three romantic relationships that, in retrospect, were abusive. One mildly so; two massively so. On an intellectual level, I’m over it. On an emotional level, I’m over it. I’m no longer in love with any of these men. But the sense of violation I feel is still there.

I’ve blamed myself for being in these relationships, not getting out of them quicker, and taking too long to get over them. I worry about what it says about me as a woman. If it happened once — fine! But if it happened more than once, shame on me, right? I’ve had strangers question my relationship with my father.

But these men took advantage of things about my character that are undoubtedly good. Things that would have enhanced any relationship with a better man. My desire to please people. My natural inclination to assume good faith. My unwaivering fidelity. My unfettered optimism.

The pain was healed by time. The intellectual doubt and constant second guessing of my own mind was quelled by a few therapy sessions. But the sense of violation has never fully gone away. It resides on the spiritual level and only spiritual remedies slake it.

My first experience with emotional abuse. 2010/2011. A relationship I would have never pursued had he not been so unrelenting and insistent. I became used to his constant company over Gchat. His neediness matched my hunger and we fed off each other for a while. I had just moved away from Washington, DC and had no plans at that point to move back. He invited himself to England to spend time with me over Christmas. In my excitment I booked a hotel room and told him how happy I was to finally be introducing a boyfriend to my parents. That’s when he told me he wasn’t my boyfriend. He had recently come out of a four-year relationship and had no intention of getting into another committed relationship with me. But he still wanted to take from me. I refused to believe it was over until my best friend said: “Sara, C**** treated you like sh*t.” I cancelled the hotel room and lost the deposit.