Polyamory Is A Bad Idea
Probability suggests it’s not for you
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Polyamory has come back into fashion recently and whilst it’s good we’re living in a more open and tolerant society, I, for one, do not welcome this particular development without a measure of scepticism. To be clear, I don’t think that polyamory is an immoral choice or an invalid choice, but it is not a viable choice for most people. Statistically speaking you — yes, you, the person reading this article — are not good enough at romantic relationships to have more than one at a time.
Because of the circle of friends I happen to have, I see a lot of people attracted to the polyamorous lifestyle. From the perspective of an interested outsider, it appears that many are unwilling to do the work required to ensure their relationships — and themselves — are healthy. Whilst I do see the appeal of polyamory (who wouldn’t want more love, sex and affection in their lives?) with more highs there come more lows. I have observed that many are simply in denial about how much extra work simultaneous relationships require.
If you want to be a member of the polyamorous community you need to be extra careful about pre-screening your partners. You have to explore how this person handles jealousy and their emotional intelligence on top of meeting all the other usual criteria for selecting a romantic partner. If you’re already in a relationship, a new partner has to integrate well into that pre-existing partnership. This is a best-case scenario. The worst case scenario is handling and filtering out those who would use the community as an excuse to exploit and abuse others.
Managing jealousy is a recurring theme on polyamorous support sites. One of the reasons I ruled this lifestyle out for myself is that I lack the ability to manage the jealousy that would arise from being in simultaneous relationships. I also lack the emotional energy to meet the romantic needs of more than one other adult. It never ceases to amaze me how few adults assess their limits and capacities in romantic relationships before embracing more complex relationship types.
What I have repeatedly heard from those advocating polyamorous relationships is the assertion that it is unrealistic for one person to meet all your needs. I agree that it is wrong to rely on a single…
