Casual Sex: Reputational Risk Vs. Physical Safety
When I was younger, the narratives surrounding promiscuity were preoccupied with not being labelled a ‘slut’ or being perceived as ‘easy’. I’m glad those old clichés have broken down, especially in the face of a persistent tolerance for male sexual incontinence no matter how inappropriate (so long as it’s not with minors). These factors, do not, however, negate the real risks that casual/hasty sex hold for women because of the real threats to their physical and emotional safety.
The slut-shaming narratives I was bombarded with during my formative years were so obviously unfair, it was easy for an older more empowered, more feminist me to disregard them. I am a woman who loves men, and who still loves men in spite of themselves. I assumed that because I took fastidious care about protection and had no appetite for any romantic entanglement that could be messy i.e. with men who were married or otherwise unavailable, I would be free to enjoy sex ethically and safely.
There was, I soon discovered, major downsides on developing boundaries based on maintaining my reputation rather than my physical and emotional safety. There are situations I wish I’d never put myself in because I felt scared and uncomfortable not because there was a chance I’d be called a ‘slut’. Me being perceived as a ‘slut’ is a problem for other people. Being murdered or assaulted is a problem for me.
I won’t fill this article with reams of intimate partner-violence statistics, but suffice to say: they’re not good. Men are dangerous to women. Men exploit women. Men hurt women. Society’s obsession with controlling or shaming female sexual behaviour and ‘reputations’ does women no favours. The education that would have served me better as a young woman would have been one which opened my eyes to the reality of male violence and exploitation of women even from the men who profess to love them.
I slowly started to realise that my increased apprehension of men was justified and rational after a Tinder match demanded my home address so he could pick me up. He refused to meet me at a nearby coffee shop like I suggested and refused to tell me where he would be taking me after he had picked me up. After I refused to give this complete stranger my home address, he blocked me. There must be some women saying ‘yes’ to what I assumed was a completely unreasonable demand because the same thing happened with another Tinder match again soon after.
It seems unfathomable to me now that the people around me when I was younger were more concerned with girls and young women being called names than being physically endangered. It only takes a brief perusal of the internet to find communities of men that should be scary to women. The most prominent of these communities are, but are not limited to, pickup artists (PUAs) and incels (involuntary celibates).
These are groups of men who show a lot of interest in women, talk a lot about what they expect from women, and what women supposedly owe them. They show very little concern about women as human beings, how to meet the needs of women, and what they can offer women in return. I can’t help but wonder if these men even like women beyond their sense of (unearnt) entitlement to them. PUAs in particular focus on getting as many women as possible in bed as quickly as possible but don’t seem to enjoy female company, or even the act of love-making, as much as they enjoy the status of having multiple partners.
Rushing physical intimacy is a key sign of male predation. It is a relationship ‘red flag’ and there is a scientific reason for this. Women release the bonding hormone, oxytocin when they make love and sexual or emotional predators like to bind their victims to them as soon as possible. This ‘red flag’ is an observed pattern of behaviour in people who are narcissists. Predators get bored and put off women with strong boundaries who do not offer swift gratification.
Men who are looking to relationship-build rather than to simply scratch an itch will be quietly persistent in getting to know you. They won’t try and talk their way past your boundaries. I’m grateful for my ineptitude with men in my younger days. Not being of any interest to men like PUAs was truly a blessing in disguise. There are still experiences I’d like to forget but the only way to have no bad experiences is to have no experiences at all.
The way to ensure your future experiences with men are good and safe is to have firm boundaries based on a realistic picture of what a good relationship can and should be like. You can design your dating strategy to filter bad men out and let good men in. No matter what other feminists tell you — casual/hasty sex is bad for women. That’s not the fault of victims, but neither do we live in an ideal world. Stop bad relationships or experiences before they start; it’s too late after the fact. Do not let yourself be prey to sexual or emotional predators, screen your prospective romantic and sexual partners thoroughly.
Thank you for reading — I hope you found my thoughts interesting. You can find links to my other work here: https://linktr.ee/sayde.scarlett
